Let's Start Talking

My mother kept a notepad on the kitchen counter for me. Popcorn was always on the list. Oddly, I kind of wish I had that notepad. I used to write short notes back, nudging her to do little things. Text her friend. Call her sister. Drink water.

We talked, my parents and I. About driving. About money. About what they wanted when things got hard. We had the big conversations and the little ones.

I still want more.

Why did they call her aunt Dodo? Her parents certainly didn't name her that. How did you make the pistachio cake? What was it like moving from Portland to Des Moines at 18, just married?

Every family doesn't get that. For some parents and their kids, the hard conversations never happen. The easy ones get put off too. Then a fall, a diagnosis, or a phone call makes the decisions for them.

That space between what families need to say and what they actually say has a name. I call it the silent gap. My parents and I closed ours. I want to help other families close theirs.

I wrote a book about it. The Silent Gap is part memoir, part guide, for adult children and aging parents who want to talk before a crisis forces the conversation. This blog is where those conversations keep going.

Here's what you'll find here.

The topics from the book, one at a time. Driving. Daily living. Loneliness. Scams. Money. Legal paperwork. Where to live. What to do with all the stuff. Who does what in the family. Each post takes one piece and makes it small enough to start.

Grief. I lost both of my parents, Ron and Elinor. Grief showed up before they were gone, and it's still here. I'll write about both. The grief that starts while they're still here, the kind nobody warns you about. And the grief that comes later, when life demands 'normalcy.'

Voices from people who do this work every day. Elder law attorneys. Home care professionals. Organizers. Assisted living teams. Hospice "Angels." People who have sat with hundreds of families and know what helps. They'll share what they've learned, and how to reach them if you need them.

Everything here comes back to one idea.

Safety first. Dignity second. Dignity always.

Safety keeps people alive. Dignity keeps them themselves. Nobody should have to choose. I didn't get all of this right with my parents. I'm still sorting some of it out. If something is starting to worry you, start small. One question. One cup of tea. One honest sentence.

Let's start talking.